The Many Questions I Ponder

I sat in one of my favorite places near the river and found myself asking the Lord many questions; especially about my feelings. I prayed a prayer not unlike so many I have prayed over the past few months. There are areas of emotion and feelings that I deal with that make me so upset with myself and I am getting pretty tired of dealing with these same kinds of issues. I feel the reason I get upset is because I know my feelings and thoughts don’t line up with what the Lord wants for me.

I must admit there are times when I am very hard on myself, especially when I feel I am failing in some areas where I have been trying so hard to make change, but in this case I feel the issues and feelings that I am experiencing need to be taken care of so I asked the Lord to take me to the root of the problem. I soon found myself trying my best to be still and focused in my awareness of God. Again I expressed my willingness to see the ugliness of my own heart and I believe the Lord delivered.

The thoughts that ran through my mind were concerning some people and issues that I have dealt with many times. I asked the Lord to help me and shared with him how much I hated the way I was feeling and that I need his grace and forgiveness in order to change and move on. I began to pray for these people and with my eyes closed I recounted the face of each one as I spoke out their names. My broken heart accompanied my request.

I could see myself alongside these people as I prayed and I was aware that the Lord was looking at all of us with the very same love and tenderness in his eyes.

Visualizing what seemed to be myself on my knees with hands held up I noticed I was holding something that looked like a garment or a cloth that draped across each hand. There appeared to be a shimmer of light that outlined my body and especially my head and shoulders which shown from the presence seated before me. With eyes still closed I was unable to make out a face, but the presence seemed warm and inviting and filled with life. My head was bowed in shame and reverence for being in the presence of the Lord. It was in that moment that I realized what the garment was as I held it up to offer it to the Lord.

The garments that I was holding up as I pictured myself represent my own rags of righteousness as spoke of in Isaiah 64:6.

All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away.

I have read that scripture time and again and heard sermons about it as well, but for the first time because of what my mind was seeing, I truly understand it’s meaning for me personally. Righteousness as filthy rags is the perfect description of the righteousness I had to offer the Lord. I believe the Lord was revealing himself to me by giving me a view of what I looked like along side the very people I have been struggling with. My time in meditation and prayer following this time with the Lord has revealed many thing to my heart about myself.

As long as I am willing to look at others in comparison as thought they are the ones with problems, my own righteousness will be seen as no more than filthy rags in the presence of the Lord. I began to understand that though many things that I had done for the Lord over the years were with the right heart attitude, some were not and those things that I have done in my own power and strength are as filthy rags as well.

I know I am not perfect and I realize I can never get everything right, but when the Lord reaches into my heart as he did during my prayer time, I know I need to stop, take note and apply what I have learned to my life. I will be studying righteousness and my ability to obtain it not through law, but through the promise of God and my faith in the Lord. My heart longs to be where the Lord wants it to be and I know he meets me where I am so I will continue to wait on him as he brings answers to the many questions I ponder.