HE Restores the Broken Hearted

Lost for more reasons than I care to revisit, at the age of 17 my life had taken a downward spiral and just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, they did.

I had no clue how difficult my life was about to become. There was no way to escape the fact that my overwhelming need for love and acceptance had led to what was perceived by most as the destruction of any possibility for my ability to have a "normal" life. The fears and discouragement that I would deal with added to disappointment I felt in myself for allowing it to happen became the backdrop of my existence. Having no direction whatsoever had led me straight down a path of no return.

I became pregnant with Andrew during my Junior year in high school. My first reaction to this reality was intense fear and panic. What would I do; what will my life become; how will I tell my parents, who will accept me; what man would want me now? My mind raced with these questions day and night. I cried myself to sleep more times than I can count for fear of what my life would become. I truly did not know what I was going to do or what this would mean for my future and I had never felt so alone in my life. It seemed like a constant struggle to wrap my brain around the realization that my life was ruined.

Andrews father (Richard) was my best friend; what would I tell him? How could this happen to me? I felt hopeless and lost. Once I finally got up the courage to begin talking about it, I started by telling a close friend. Nancy was someone I felt I could trust. She was a little younger than me, and she seemed to truly care about my feelings. She listened and did not judge. Once I told her, I was able to be a little more rational about the pregnancy. I knew I needed to tell Richard next. Neither Richard nor I knew what to do and both of us were scared. Doom and despair had enveloped both our lives.

The day came when I shared my secret with my parents. It had been two months since my menstrual cycle and I knew it was just a matter of time before it would become obvious that I was pregnant. I waited until what I thought might be the right time. It had been a long day with my dad and stepmother drinking and visiting with company. It must have been a Saturday or Sunday because I remember people being around the entire day. Once everyone had gone home and dad was asleep, it was just me and my step-mom sitting at the dining room table. She had had a few drinks and that is when she was easy to talk with so I took that opportunity to share the news.

It all became quit a blur after that. Once I told my stepmother...things began to unfold rather quickly. She said she was not surprised. My dad told me I was an embarrassment to the family and that he was ashamed of me. His words seemed to cut me wide open, but I realize now his response to my pregnancy was probably the best reaction he knew how to share. I was hurt deeply by his reaction to my crisis because I longed for his support and understanding. I needed so much for him to hold and love me. I needed him to tell me it would be alright, but he could not. He didn't know how to. I felt more alone in that moment than ever before. Months later I found out that my own mother was pregnant when she and dad were married and found it difficult to understand his reaction to my pregnancy.

When my stepmother told Richard's mother of the pregnancy she denied it was his baby. There was no mistake who the father was though because Richard was the only one I had been with. Richard's older sister, a social worker, came over a few days later without invitation. I was home alone and not emotionally equipped to answer the tough questions she had come to ask me. Though she was very soft spoken and was caring in her approach, her words were difficult and sharp. She stated that this baby would likely ruin both mine and Richard's life.

After asking me what I planned on doing she brought up what she and her mother thought would be a good solution to the problem. "ABORTION" Eeeeek! Even in my immaturity and lack of emotional stability, I was able to share the true feelings of my heart concerning her request. I stood up from the steps on the porch where we had been sitting and I told her, I could not kill my own child. I said, "This baby is a part of me and I can't even think of ending its life." This pregnancy was more than a problem to get rid of to me...it was a human life. A piece of me lived inside of me. I felt that if I were to have an abortion a part of me would die as well.

The turmoil continued in my mind. Many sleepless nights and difficult days were ahead. I went back and forth in my mind about what I should do. When the dust had settled, just a little, I spoke with Richard and told him I was planning on having this baby and that I was not going to hold him responsible. I knew his mother and sister didn't want him to have to deal with this. He and I were only kids; neither of us had any idea the impact this new life would have on our own lives. Though my life was in a world-wind of confusion, somewhere deep inside I felt a spark of hope and was even a little happy about this new life growing inside me.

Now that I had disappointed every living adult in my life, I felt a severe shame and remorse for my actions. People I needed for emotional support were no in my life...The months that followed were filled with a few ups, but mostly downs.

come back in a few days to see what happened next.