Looking for the Back Door...

Can someone direct me to the way out...PLEASE!?

I am coming to terms with some more truths about my personality and the depth of my need to control. I noted this a while back, but have not really put it into words until now. If you have read my posts from a few months ago about reasons for control issues in my life, you may remember some of what the Lord has brought me through.

Recently I approached one of the pastors of our church to ask if I could do a book study and she was more than happy to give me all I needed to ensure success in my endeavor. She showed me a book and shared her desire to have a study with the book "Fight Like a Girl" by Lisa Bevere. At first I did not intend to do that study and found the very title along with the girly cover a bit of a turn off. That is when I stopped listening to my feelings about the book and began to question myself concerning the reason for my reaction to it. I reluctantly agreed to take the book home and look a little deeper into its contents before making my decision.

The next day I picked up the book and began reading its contents. After reading only two chapters, I knew what I was supposed to do so I called Pastor Sharon and told her I would do the study. Being in a new environment with new faces seemed a welcome challenge and I felt this was something I needed to do in order to embrace my new church family along with my new reality concerning my relationship with the Lord. I have always felt drawn to the idea of empowerment by virtue of my gender which has compelled me as a woman to give other women encouragement and support in being empowered also. In my mind this study would be much like those that I have experienced in the past.

The truth is I had a certain idea about how the book study might go. I saw it similar to the ones I had done in my previous church where I had spent a lot of time with small groups of ladies in book studies or prayer groups. It wasn't until a few days after committing to doing this study that I realized the Lord didn't only want the content of this study to be learned by the ladies of my church, but he had something else he was going to teach me through the process.

In the studies I have done in my old church I could pretty much decide how and when I was going to do things, but the study I am doing now is much different. As the weeks and day approached when the study would begin, I became more and more anxious about the realization that there was no turning back. Each time I spoke with Pastor Sharon she seemed more excited about getting the word out to the women of the church and once the date was set...I began to get this sinking feeling inside as I had to face the fact that this book study was not going to be like the ones I had done in the past and I was stepping totally outside of my comfort zone. Ahhhhhh.....

I began to feel uneasy about the fact that this study had taken on a life of its own and there were now expectations on me that I could not walk away from. In my heart I knew the Lord was showing me the depth of my control issues and in allowing this study to become something that I was unable to control, I understood so deeply my need for putting my trust solely in him. Though everything inside me was looking for a back door, it was clear no matter what direction my mind went with these thoughts there was no way out.


It all comes down to one thing. I had no control over what would happen and there was nothing I could do about it. In the past I was given a lot of leeway concerning how and when things would happen in my study groups. I pretty much decided when things would start, how many weeks the study would go and what night would work best. I could even decide who would be invited to the study keeping everything nice and comfortable for ME. And I ALWAYS, in every circumstance, kept some form of control by figuring in a back door. Within each commitment I made I always thought far enough ahead about things to give myself an escape hatch should there be a need to use it, but this study carried a lot more expectations and I knew that even if there were a way out...I couldn't take it. I knew I had to go through with my commitment and I knew it would be difficult. I also knew the Lord was in it and that he was trying to help me to break free of my need for control. So I welcome the process.


The week prior to the beginning date of the study there were only 5 names on the sign up sheet so I felt a little relief, telling myself, that it was not a big deal, but then on the first night there were over 22 women signed up and by the second night 2 more were added to the list. We have had the study for three weeks now and though it is not what I had expected, it has been good in the sense that if nothing else is happening, I am trusting in the Lord. As I seek direction and a I realize I am not to look for a way out, but instead look up and trust that he is the way. He has shown up each time and pulled me through.

I question myself about the fact that I agreed to do this study without an escape plan and have come to the conclusion that I would have never backed out anyway. I have never really used the way out I speak of in this post, but have always felt better knowing it is there should I need it. The feeling of no control brought back familiar feelings about an old acquaintance that used to reside close to my heart. I know in my heart that the Lord is using this study to help me break free of this coping mechanism that has had its hold over my life for most of my life. I will fight it and be free of it with the help of the one who has taught me how. I look in the only direction that gives me all I need and I find peace and empowerment. Praise the Lord!