"Only let us live up to what we have already attained"Philippians 3:16

This morning when I was reading my Bible I was touched by something and I felt it was confirmation about issues I have been discussing with God. The following scripture really spoke to my heart as if reading it for the first time.

Philippians 3: 12-21
12Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

15All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. 16Only let us live up to what we have already attained.

The highlighted part really hit me this morning. I had to read that section again and again. I took this as though it was about living up to what the Lord has given me as needed to fulfill his plan for my life. I also took it as paying attention to what he has already given me and doing my very best in whatever it is I do as though I were doing it for his Glory not my own.

I must admit there was a time when I thought I would do some amazing thing for God. I mean I really thought I was going to make a HUGE difference in the world and that was my goal. I believed the things that I read about purpose and being set apart for greater things. I took those things to heart. What I am finding now is that by working toward the goal of something bigger I was missing it all together. Through brokenness and coming to the end of my own ability, I think I am finally starting to see that my ability to be used by God is secondary to my willingness to obey and give my life to him completely. God has been waiting for me to come to a place where there is nothing left of me to give and I believe that is the very place I am coming out of since my depression. I have come to realize some things that are of great importance in the process.

• I need to know who I really am
• I am not who I have learned to be through experiences in my life
• I need to truly lay my own comfort and abilities aside
• I need to make more room for the Lord to do what he will in me.
• I need to take my eyes off the destination and enjoy the journey.
• I need to allow the Lord to change me instead of trying to do it my way
• I need to let go of my false self in order to make room for the real me

Assessing the reasons behind what I do is my focus. I am looking closely at my motives. Am I seeking my comfort? Looking for my reward? Wanting to be noticed? Needing to feel important? Am I here to get what I think I need and want or to serve God? These are only a few of the questions I have pondered as I realize more and more just how much I still need to learn. I asked the Lord to show me the ugliness in my heart. The ugliness down deep rooted in places I did not even know existed; the parts of me that I don't recognize, but he does. I asked him to show me the truth. Show me the ugly in me that others see. He began to show me and I could not turn away from the truth. I knew in my heart that he was right. My flesh has been winning in many areas over the past couple of years. How could I be so blind?

I used to get all excited when I would feel the Lord was going to use me in some way, but that excitement didn't last and I believe I am beginning to understand why. I am realizing more than ever before that it is not about the things I can do for God. It is about my willingness to be with God and to really pay attention to what he is saying to my heart. I need to know him more and that will happen as I let go of the parts of me that must go. I have come to a place in my walk with the Lord where I understood that though I felt I was serving God, I was really serving the idea of serving God. How shallow is that? WOW!

So here I am in a different place entirely and I'm ok with it. I am waiting on the Lord. I do not plan to jump ahead or fall behind. I plan on being in the moment with him and just getting to know who he really is. I truly believe the Lord is going to rebuild me as long as I lay down my own desires and the blueprints I have created for myself. For now I am just doing as I feel I should and that is looking at all the ugliness and hardness in my heart and asking the Lord to show mercy and to reveal himself to me in new ways. He will if I am obedient and do as Philippians 3:16 says, "Only let us live up to what we have already attained". This I know in my heart.