Forever seeking...This quote from a blogger friend of mine mirrors almost exactly my sentiments concerning my religious and spiritual experience.
“I take my place among those refugees who have known what it is to be wounded by the very religious structures that are supposed to affirm life. For years, my wife and I yearned for a spiritual home where we could find healing and wholeness.”
When I came into the church, I adopted the body of believers there as my new family and I often spoke of them in that sense. Our place of worship was a spiritual home for me and I loved spending any time I could there. What I found over time was a church family that seemed to look different from the world on the outside, when in many ways the body was still operating in the same worldly principles internally. This caused more pain and unrest in my soul than I care to talk about and gave rise to much confusion in my ability to believe what was spoken as Truth.
Hope for healing and wholeness as spoken of above was what drew me in and gave me the desire to forge on through many difficulties over several years. When I gave my heart to the Lord I meant it. I wanted to devote my entire life to Christ. My belief was that the Lord would bring all things to the proper place and add balance to my life as I did my best to live in obedience to what I believed was his call on my life. Instead I found opposition and came away with distaste for spiritual gifts. I realize my expectations were unrealistic, but my experiences within that body of believers colored my view of the charismatic church in a way that may hinder my ability to experience true intimacy with God.
My perception about the church and religion is much different today than when I came into the faith.
My heart still yearns for a place or “spiritual home” where I can find healing and wholeness. Most recently I have been trying to gain understanding as to how my view could so drastically change and I believe I have gained understanding in this area, but I have come to the conclusion that it is not important how or why my view has changed. It is important however, to accept myself as I am today and focus more on what God is doing in my life in this moment. Some people from my faith may believe I have made a grave mistake in leaving my church, but I feel the Lord was with me. He knew the reasons why I needed to go and there is no longer need for explanation.
Oh how I have struggled with the thoughts of others concerning my decision to go. I have hurt many by my decision and my concern is that they will always feel that I made a mistake and have perhaps “fallen away” from God. I can’t pretend to be someone I am not any longer, it’s too hard. I feel it is time to put those kinds of counterproductive thought patterns to rest and trust those people and their opinions to the Lord. Hopefully they can accept me as I am.
Tonight I realize the Lord doesn’t love me any less in this moment than he did a year ago and I also know in my heart that he is not confused about my decision to go or my choice to start over elsewhere. He just loves me no matter where I am and he wants the best for me. My prayer is that this is what my old church family would want as well. This is the perspective I need in order to truly heal and find any form of wholeness.
So I think maybe, just maybe, I can stop beating myself up for this change in my heart and view. It’s clear to me that I am never going to see things the way I used to so the healthiest thing for me to do is to accept myself as I am and seek the Lord right where I am. Perhaps those who really do love me and want to encourage me will be able to do the same. He meets me right here in the very place I am in and his grace is sufficient. I have to believe that.
P.S. I love you D.G. especially for your loyalty as a friend.
14 comments:
when we don't hear that answering echo of Gods heart beat, why would we stay in empty silence?
waiting and trusting for you to find the place of belonging, where you hear again that second beat.
I think one of the hardest lessons I learned when I began serving in our church on ministry boards was that things weren't perfect there. The body is made up of sinners in need of redemption. There have been times that body didn't work in sync with God, and that was hard for me to understand.
I pray that you find a Church where you can worship our Lord in harmony and in truth. Remember your healing and wholeness can only come from God not from a body of believers. I saw Joyce Meyer last night and one thing she said that resonated like a gong for me was "Are my expectations in the right place?" "Am I expecting a person to give to me only what God can give to me?" I am confident He will lead you to that place where He wants you to worship Him!
God Bless you as you journey with Him
Abraham had to leave; Moses had to leave; Ruth had to leave... just to recall a few. "Leaving" is a entire understanding and spiritual journey in the Scriptures that I have never heard taught (except by me). Most of us, as we journey in the heart of our Lord Jesus must leave where we have been in order to embrace where He is leading. It is always painful, and always full of disappointments.
However, He is Lord and He does know what He is doing with us and in us. I know you know that, but "leaving" can really be rough. It is not really about the ones we leave behind, nor their insufficiencies. It is just about the necessity to move in order to receive. It doesn't mean they are wrong for them, but if you allow them to hold you, you would be very unproductive in His Kingdom.
It is about you, but not really. It is about His Kingdom and His need for you to embrace all that He is moving through you for His sake. Listen and He will (in time) let you know what Body of believers you are to be with. They may or may not seem like family -- no real need for them to do so, since the entire Kingdom is family.
I have written enough. Thank you precious Sister for letting us share your journey. Praying and trusting and knowing His goodness in you.
MMP-thanks for stopping by. I appreciate your words more than you know. This has been very difficult for me as you have probably guessed.
Kristen-This has been a very hard lesson indeed and I do not shrink from the part that I play in all of it. Thank you for the reminder to continue to rely on the Lord. He is good.
Iris--Thank you so much for your words, they spoke straight to my heart and gave me a little lift today. I know that I often seek understanding from people more than I should and sometimes I end up disappointed when I feel it is lacking. I do feel you heard what I was speaking from my heart. You are a good teacher. Bless you.
Iris is right. It is about HIS Kingdom. And letting go. :-)
Doesn't mean I won't always miss you, however.
And, I think it was necessary. Just wanted to say that. Love you, sister!
I love what Iris said in her comment about leaving....
My husband and I are struggling in a similar way at our church. We are unsure of what to do, and it is not a good feeling.
I pray that you find the church home that God has for you.
I know that my words don't change your situation, but I hope that you know you are not alone. It is a struggle that at one time or another, most of us as Christians go through.
It takes a lot of courage and faith to walk away, and like you said He meets you right where you are each day.
On a lighter note, I love the line in "Steel Magnolias" where Truvy says to Annelle....."God doesn't care what church you go to as long as you show up!";)
God Bless,
Amy:)
Wow, powerful thoughts and feelings you've expressed here. I have recently had a big change in my relationship with my church family, not good, I'm sorry to say. I constantly need to remind myself that people are flawed but God is not. My relationship with God is separate, though He wants me to learn from the failures of myself and others; especially I need to learn to extend grace and forgiveness. It is a process, for sure.
Thanks for commenting on my post at the cafe yesterday. I pray God continues to speak to you regarding your journey to be closer to Christ.
I too have experienced leaving a church of ten years to find myself fearful of losing those relationships that became like family. Unfortunately, I believe my fears came true. Some of my best friends still remain at that church and though they have professed and will continue to profess my leaving that church, their church, hasn't affected our friendships....the proof is in their actions or rather lack of contact. I've made peace with it. I trust the Lord to continue to provide new friendships. I think the loss of those friendships as being true friends as I thought will always hurt a piece of my heart but I must do what the Lord calls me just as you must do what the Lord calls. As humans, I think we naturally put too much concern on what other's think. I am very guilty of this...wondering what other's think, concerned with their opinion. When God's opinion is the only one that matters to us.
I love this:
"but I have come to the conclusion that it is not important how or why my view has changed. It is important however, to accept myself as I am today and focus more on what God is doing in my life in this moment."
Yes, what's important is who you are today, where you are today, and what God is doing today. He has wiped your past and sees it no more.
Blessings,
Paula
SO-I am so blessed to have you in my life and I thank the Lord for you daily!
Amy-thank you so much for you kind words. I am currently serving at a new church and things are going very well so far. My prayer for you is that you will find peace in the leading of the Holy Spirit concerning your church home as well.btw, I love that movie!
Christine-thanks for stopping by and I am 100% with you about the process thing. My life is all about change it seems and I am continuing to trust the Lord that his will be done in his timing as I go.
Paula-Thanks for stopping by, been a while since I've seen you. I always enjoy hearing your thoughts on my posts and you are correct, Iris was right on time with her comment. Posting this has helped me to do just as I said, (accept myself as I am today and focus more on what God is doing in my life in this moment) and I have found the encouragement from people here very uplifting and helpful. Thanks again.
What I found over time was a church family that seemed to look different from the world on the outside, when in many ways the body was still operating in the same worldly principles internally.
Thats going to be true at least a little in every chuch we all go to. Thats becuse we aren't in glory yet. God is at wortk though. We got to keep eyes on Jesus. sounds like your doing that.
Rev. Theresa Cole
Deliverance Worship Tabernacle COGIC
M2P. I hear in your posts the same longing and passion for what is most important that I hear in the story Jesus told about the man who was willing to give up everything he had in order to purchse the field in which he knew there was a great treasure. Your hunger and thirst for God has you on the right course! Grace and Peace.
The Lord called our family to leave a church we had attended for 15 years. My husband and I were both very involved in ministry and we had the most precious friends in the world. Over the course of that time, leadership changed and things began to happen that we struggled with accepting. Instead of complaining, for about 5 years we just became more involved - trying to do more to help and share God's love. It was hard. We were no longer being fed spiritually. I can remember one morning just crying my heart out to God during my devotional time and as I opened my Bible to spend some precious moments in His Word, I was reading in Micah. The Lord took me straight to this verse - "Arise and depart, this is not your place of rest". God had finally given our family freedom and His blessing to leave. We contacted the Pastoral staff, invited them over for tea, shared our story and they prayed God's blessing over us as we left.
Our new church family isn't 'perfect' either, but we know it's where God has led us for this time. Praying you will know His blessing at the church you are attending.
Following Him,
Joy
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