Finding Me and Breaking Free...

This photo was taken one year before we moved

This post is something that has been brewing for quite some time.

Moving from New York state to Wisconsin with four children, a husband as pictured above, might seem a bit extreme to most people. I think deep down I knew I was running from something, but at the same time I was running toward something. Would leaving the pain of my past be the answer or was it just a detour from what really needed to happen? The answer is likely a big helping of both.

Back in 1996 I had lots to run from to be honest, but what I found was something that, though different, only reinforced my feelings of imperfection. OK that's putting it mildly. I felt damaged beyond repair and defective to the point that even my idea of normal became warped. Worst of all, I knew what had made me that way, but could see no way out of my own perceptions of an innocent life interrupted. Back then I was one who didn't wait long for change to occur. If I saw something needed changing...I usually took the necessary measures.

I wonder if it is true for most that we come to the foot of the cross when there seems to be nowhere else to go. In my own estimation of my willingness to come to the Lord, this was the case. Asking God to intervene and change me didn't happen in a church or with a group of people. No one said a prayer with me. It was the questions in my own heart that led me to call out to the Lord. It was because I felt so alone and broken; as if I were flawed beyond repair. I called out to God tears streaming down my face; full of self loathing and lack of understanding for myself or anyone else. Feeling lost, alone and unloved, were all factors, but more than anything, I felt I was unlovable and in a moment of deep despair, I recall pleading with Him to help, " God!" I groaned, "If you are real, come into my life and change me!"

Within a years time I was living 1000 miles away from my the discomfort of my life, but was I really? Coming to Wisconsin would prove bitter sweet. I have been living a lot of the past 12 years in denial. Denial to the fact that I separated myself from people in my life that had hurt me and could potentially still hurt me. Seeking answers, I believe I found the truth, at least as much truth as I have been willing to accept.

I could list the many good things that have taken place since we move to WI such as all of my children giving their hearts to the Lord, my husband and myself seeking the Lord also and all the good that has come from it, but for the sake of staying on subject I will refrain. In coming to an understanding of who God is I was lead to a body of believers who did their best to love as the Bible instructs, but being only human many did just the opposite. I had always been a church goer. The Lord had tugged on my heart from an early age. Getting involved in the process of healing; with the aid of a church family that meant well, but did much harm, taught me something that I feel will take me into the next season of my life in understanding who I am.

Being involved in my church gave me a structure inside of which I might find healing of some deep hurts. I wanted more than anything to be able to truly love people and be loved by people. Questions that seemed to always surface and be reinforced by well meaning people were...

What is my purpose?
Who am I supposed to be?
What will I do for God?
Who did God create me to be?

These were not bad questions. In fact they moved me to make a lot of positive changes in my life and behaviors. The problem I have with these kinds of questions is that they imply something very negative about the person asking them. These questions take us away from the idea of accepting ourselves. Though they are meant to bring us to a clearer understanding of why we are here and what we should be doing while we are here, they reinforce feelings of inadequacy, shame and guilt.

I had a lot of issues that needed to be worked through in order for me to be able to forgive myself and others who have hurt me, but it seemed to me the deeper I went with looking at all of this, the farther away from being made whole I got. The things that had happened to me in my life, that were totally out of my own control, had somehow stolen any chance of being complete. The questions that drove my life became...

What do others expect from me?
Why can't I seem to get this right?
Will I always feel flawed?

Over time my hope of becoming whole had dwindled and I realized my efforts to become a "normal" person were fruitless. It seemed no matter where I turned there were people who would pile more hurt on top of old wounds and my way of dealing with those issues only made it worse. I would go into hiding or totally cut a person out of my life. I walked away from many relationships for the simple cause of self preservation.

Most recently I began to look more seriously at my relationships with people and instead of looking at what they might be doing that makes me uncomfortable, I have been looking at my reaction to their actions and questioning the reasons for some of my responses. I thought hard about the fact that my relationships seem to mirror one another, in both positives and negatives, with the exception of a few. This got me interested in finding out more about the part I played in each one.

With in the family of believers I realize that a huge part of my problem stems from the fact that I was truly seeking to be loved and in a Christian environment, I didn't expect anything else. I had opened myself up only to be hurt again and again and for me that was extremely counter productive in my growth process. In my efforts to love and be loved, I only succeeded in doing what I had always done. What is that saying about insanity? I believe it goes something like this. Insanity is always doing the same thing and expecting different results. Perhaps I should say it like this. If I always do what I've always done, I'll always get what I've always gotten."

Does anyone here me? Does anyone relate?

This post will be continued in a few days...I'm out of time and it's getting long

Here we are all grown up 10 years later