Getting on with it...

(This is the second part and the last part will be added soon)

Christians, at least the groups I have been involved with seem to nurture the idea of getting rid of less desirable traits and replacing them with more positive ones. That is not such a bad idea really. We are told that we are on a journey and that we are in the process of becoming more like Christ. Do we need to be like Christ to be closer to God? In reality, I believe the answer to that question is a resounding no.

I don't believe I am any more like Christ today than I was 10 years ago. If I were becoming more like Christ, it would seem the way I deal with life's issues would also be like Christ. I would not get so irritated with people or want so much for them to see things my way. I would be much softer spoken and spend a great deal of my time listening with my heart instead of allowing my roots of pain and rejection to color my perceptions.

One question I asked people of faith concerning parts of my personality that seemed wrong or "Not Christ Like" was, " What if the Lord gave me this issue and wants me to use it in some way to glorify him? I recall thinking that perhaps what is perceived by some as a negative trait could be something all together different to God. The idea that I needed to change the person I was to be more in line with what God wanted of me was in question. To me I was getting mixed messages.

On one hand I was told that the Lord was doing a work in me and that he had a plan for my life. I became hopeful that perhaps he was going to mend and put back together the missing pieces of my life from the years of abuse and neglect. I began to believe he would heal my heart completely. I was also taught that as I grew in my measure of obedience to Him my relationship with God would deepen. I listened and functioned out of my hope for renewal and a life that I believed should have been, rather than the one that was.

As I began to seek God and his view of me, my understanding began to change. My eyes were opened to God's grace and how much he has done for me already. I began to feel he loved me even with all my imperfections. These two perceptions lived parallel inside of me. They crossed paths here and there, yet never seemed to intersect completely. I was receiving two conflicting messages.

Today I question the many things I was taught early on. My thoughts turn to a new understanding of who God is versus who people say God is. Why I would need to change so much the person that I really am, when God is said to love me as I am. My search for answers led me to a new understanding of what the reality of my life was and forced me to make some tough decisions regarding my faith and my religious beliefs.

Professing to be a Christian and being in true relationship with God are two different things. Living my life with the expectation that I needed to change and noting all my imperfections was exhausting. My walk with the Lord had become driven by meeting the expectations of other believers. It seemed to me that if I was doing the right things, reacting in the proper ways in an outward form, I could be seen as a person who is growing in the Lord. My sights were set on trying to fit the norm, but what I found were walls that were closing in all around me. I felt as though living as a "Christian" was suppressing the essence of the person that I am. No matter what I did, I was unable to conform to the degree expected.

Growing is a word that was used a lot in my Christian experience, but today I ask the question, On who's estimation of growth will we base our progress? The mold that seems to signify Christian maturity is a standard dreamed up by man, not God. After many failed attempts at meeting this sort of "invisible ideal" I realize there is no possible way for me to fit the mold. Trying to conform to a life that represents Christian maturity was not only difficult, but impossible. The thought that my walk and level of maturity toward understanding the Lord would be based on people's perceptions and not God's almost drove me to insanity.

The problem more than anything was the conflicting feelings I was dealing with in my efforts to be someone people expected me to be rather than accepting myself as the Lord does; as I am. Looking inside myself and embracing my own individuality, flaws and all, has given me a sense of freedom and peace. I have decided to make the Lord's view of me and his Love for the person that I am, my new pursuit. My focus is not on someone else's idea of what it means to be a Christian. I must be true to myself in my process of being true to God. I will not be someone else or try to change myself to meet the view and judgment of another person. I have to embrace my traits good and bad and be the person I was intended to be because anything else would be a severe injustice to my very being.

Does it really say in the Bible that we are to become more Christ like? I recall Jesus saying, "Follow me" but I don't think he was saying become me. That would contradict the fact that we are all individuals who bring something unique to the body of believers as a whole. Combined as believers in the universal body is what most closely simulates who Christ is in us. That is one reason why we need one another and are not meant to be autonomous in our worship. We each bring something of value that no one else can bring to the table. When we bring what we have to offer in a spirit of gratitude and acceptance, we are able to love others. It is only when we accept ourselves as we truly are that we can accept others as they truly are.

Looking at reality through my own eyes has had striking results!

The new questions I have been asking myself are these:
What does God REALLY expect from me?
What do I expect from myself?
Does my view of myself match God's view of me?
Who am I really, instead of who should I be?

Finding God

Finding me

On my way to total freedom in Christ

His GRACE is sufficient!