From my choice of hair style and color to my most comfortable pair of bluejeans, each part of my persona that I feel is good and necessary in order to keep me feeling good about myself on a daily basis lacks so much in the sense of true happiness. This morning I found myself considering taking about 10 inches off my hair. I find myself at odds with the many masks I wear throughout my week and often struggle with the idea that I need to be more true to myself.
At work I must represent the "teacher" yet at home, I am someone else altogether. I mean seriously, the first thing I do when I walk through the door at the end of the day is begin peeling off my professional look in order to find the comfort of a long sleeve t-shirt and my favorite pair of yoga pants. Ha! My hair goes up in a clip and I put on my soft cushy socks. When I am home it's all about comfort, but when I leave the house, it seems to be more about appearances or should I say, filling an expected role.
Here are just a few of my roles that come with expectations from others.
Child of God
Woman
Wife
Mother
Grandmother
Sister
Daughter
Friend
Confidant
Neighbor
Artist
Teacher
Union President
Wife
Mother
Grandmother
Sister
Daughter
Friend
Confidant
Neighbor
Artist
Teacher
Union President
Releasing myself totally to the idea that my life is set in motion and continues to move in a form and balance that has little to do with what I can do, but is more in line with the person that I am has me asking the questions...who am I really? We all wear masks every day as we go through the motions of the games we have invented to keep us going in order to keep up with the pace the world has set for us.
OK, just so you don't think I have totally lost my mind, I do realize that there are certain things expected of me in my profession and I certainly can't show up at work in my most comfortable clothes, but at the same time...that person that yearns so deeply to be free can find ways to be just that even in the workplace, but this can only happen as I allow myself to be true to the person that I am.
Being honest with myself and allowing the true essence of my own entity to seep through the cracks can be very freeing. Perhaps there is a way to fuse the many roles that I play out in my life and find the essence of my true heart in the process. This can only happen when I stop letting the opinions of others steer my decisions and pay attention to what my inner thoughts are saying to me...
Still thinking and wondering how much of me is invented and how much is really me
18 comments:
Well, you could combine all of those roles and have multiple personalities. hee hee I am totally teasing you!
I think you are being true to yourself -- even when you have to walk in different roles.
Most of all, you are a child of God and the rest of those roles fall under that category.
Funny Beth, how are you by the way?
I think that we women feel like we have many many roles to fill and many faces belong to each of those roles.
I love the study that we are doing on "Esther - It's tough being a woman"
It really speaks to US - WOMEN!
I enjoy your blog
In Him
Beth
we all have many roles every day, naturally, and in those roles we are ourselves - we may dress for the occassion yet inside we are always who we are.. and that shines through regardless of how we have presented ourselves to the world -
However, I know what you mean - we do present the image that people expect to see..but it will always be with our slant on it - our imprint..
sometimes those masks save us from giving in.. as I said to a friend the other day, I have a stack at home, cos they go soggy when you cry behind them!! Not that I do very often, but it feels like it when everyone sees the ok side of you and not the real you...
she always sees past it though to the face behind the mask.
Thoughts and love
Katie,x
Beth...I do feel that most women fill many roles and I'm ok with it, just looking a bit deeper into the whats and whys behind those roles.
Rainbow dreams...I am feeling a bit melancholy today I guess, most days I am in tune with all of that and believe I do understand the part I play in each role, but for some reason today...I am questioning the reasons behind the roles I have chosen as well. some of these chose me and I'm fine with it, just trying to stay true to myself. Perhaps reading O'Donohue has me looking a bit more introspectively than necessary. I don't think I made my point quite as clear as I would have liked.
Rainbow, I know just what you mean about soggy masks! How well you put it! But we couldn't let our real faces show all the time. We would never be able to cope with the sorrow, or anger or whatever which we feel inside. We have to put our "role masks" on in order to navigate through life. Anything else would leave us insane, I believe. Only with God can our real, true feelings show. Yes, we can "talk through" our problems, hopefully with the one that causes them, but there is still that reserve, that feeling on our part not to let the real wounds show. Some are too deep for disclosure.
So put your hair up, or down, heels or flatties, and enjoy being another part of you!
To me, it doesn't matter. We are wonderfully made by God when we were yet in our mom's womb.
Hi M2P, I think your post was fine - it was my comment that more than likely missed it...
I know what you mean about John O'Donohues books - they can leave you looking deep inside, which is good - one reason I can only read a bit at a time...
I like what Gilly said. :-)
And I know I am likely prejudiced, but I think that in all those roles you are being true to yourself.
In your teaching at prison the woman you are comes through. How many people can work there ard remain someone who truly believes that people can change--that people are worthy of respect? You know the answer to that. Sadly.
When you are with your kids you are showing other parts of you. And I could go on and on!
We are many-faceted people, and you, my dear friend, have more facets than most! That is why you are a ponderer. Maybe why I love you so dearly as well.
Missing you!
Grace...thanks for you input. I appreciate your honesty and welcome your opinion:)
Rainbow...thank you for being so kind and understanding. I do value your opinion.
SO...you know me too well, and still you treat me with kindness and grace. Bless you my best buddy!
This post is true to your blog name "much to ponder".
It makes me think of the chapters in the online study of which I've already forgotten the title...oh, Behind These Eyes by Lisa Whittle...all of the Ms. we put on....
Paula...have yet to read that book, but I remember a lot of you ladies blogging about it. I as planning on picking it up one day. Maybe I should think about doing it sooner than later.
You do have much to ponder but lighten up have fun don't think too hard.Life is too short to be always wondering.
wow! I just realized how we are so much alike in this area! funny.
Diane...you are correct, I do have a lot to ponder...but seriously, it is not always good and I know this, but me being me and my mind being what it is, I just think and that's all. I always tell the men I teach in my Character Ethics class that the mind is something that wants to think all the time and I stress the importance of giving it good food otherwise it will find other things to think about.
Betty...we are alike in many ways. I am learning this too. :)
Hi m2p ~
You certainly do have a lot of roles. You know I don't think I've ever just stopped and listed the roles I have in life - very interesting to think about. I am pretty much the same all the time and in all roles. I'm an open book and just an ordinary person who can only be the way I am. I decided a long time ago, they just have to like me or lump me, 'cause I gotta be me. I am pretty weird though :) I feel that you are a warm and wonderful person and my wish for you is that you soon find total comfort within yourself, and are able to remove all the masks so that one, beautiful face shines through in all of your roles. I'm also sending you a big hug today. Take care.
Denise :)
We have many roles don't we?!? And in those roles you are yourself... deep down! A Christian woman seeking the Lord in all areas of her life! I too love it most when I can be in some comfy socks, yoga pants or my favorite flannel pants and a t-shirt... because I can sit back, relax and just be!
Love ya!
K
First thanks for visiting my blog. I am a bit disorganised so my reply is a bit late. For your looks I think you look very beautiful whatever hairstyle
Yes we pley many roles and I feel the older you get the less you identify yourself with these roles
It is just part of how the world works I feel more an more myself
so I think I you can be both
Have a nice day
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