Who Does He Say That I Am?

When the light went on that there was a lot more to God than what I thought back in 1997, I became filled with hope, as I stated in my last post. My hope for change, growth, healing and feeling "normal" were what drove my life. I began serving with in a body of believers where there was much need and many gaps to be filled. Over a ten year period I had taught Sunday school, been a youth Leader, teen girls group leader, women's ministry leader, prayer person, singer, and deacon. Some of these things were happening simultaneously. Being a Deacon opened other doors that I won't even get into here. The point being, I wanted to serve the Lord and became involved and things just kind of evolved over time. My life revolved around what was happening our my little church.

I can't blame any one person for what took place in my life back then because I believe it was my own perception and drive to be "ALL THAT I COULD BE" that brought me to an unhealthy church experience. I worked very hard and believe my heart was in the right place for the most part. I think the biggest problem was that it seemed no matter how hard I tried to be "Christ Like" the harder it became. People meant well, but often hurt me with their words and "IDEALS" of what it means to be a follower of Christ. I was told that I was growing at an accelerated rate and that there must be something the Lord wants to use me for. I believed this and it only drove my desire to be used by God more.

Being so deeply embedded in the workings of the church is probably what opened my eyes to the reality that my growth as a Christian was being measured on human terms and not God's terms. About 3 years ago I began to feel unsettled with the whole maturity issue in the church. I am a bit introspective by nature and was always probing to find the parts of me that needed to change. I worked extremely hard to get rid of some of what were perceived as unsatisfactory traits and replace them with more "Christ like" traits. I had a lot of prayer support in my endeavor as you might imagine. The problem was, those people that I was counting on as guide posts along the way had their own vision and views concerning what behavior was Christ like and what wasn't.

Now looking back I can honestly say that it was my own discerning heart that lead me to this new understanding of who God really is and what he expects of me. My son Raymie kept telling me, "Mom, you are being too hard on yourself". He often spoke of God's grace and how much the Lord loves the person that I am; the one He created. Still I struggled with my life as tainted by abuse and neglect. I felt that I had been damaged and the feeling that I would never be quite right was always chipping away in the shadows of my thoughts. For the life of me I could not seem to find this "freedom" in Christ that everyone was talking about.

I went to a conference that revolved around the premise my son had spoken of so many times before. What was expressed again and again was the fact that I am loved by God just as I am. Each speaker, each song, and each prayer brought home the fact that the Lord created me; he sees me as I am; and he loves me as I am. I began to feel more love and acceptance than I had ever experienced in my life and it wasn't from a person. It was coming directly from God! I wanted so much to go with it and believed what I was hearing; I wanted to trust my heart. I thought to myself, but God you know those parts of me that I struggle with. I recall at that moment thinking to myself, "you mean to tell me God made me this way on purpose?" I had a dual reality during that conference that has been moving it's way from what people say God thinks and wants of me to what he actually wants from me. You know what he really wants from me?

He wants me to know Him more, to love Him more and to allow Him into my heart more. The only growth and change he is expecting from me is in the area of my ability to see the world through His eyes and that can only happen as I grow in my understanding of who He is and what matters to Him. It is so simple! Right? I am at the point where I refuse to live my life based on standards or ideals dreamed up by man. I know that I am imperfect, flawed and broken. Today I can honestly say, I embrace the parts of me that are not perfect. They are parts of me that make me unique and give me the flavor necessary to live and love in the way that only I can.

I have been set free by this single truth and my hope is that others will be set free as well. Each day when I wake up I pray, Lord, be glorified in my life today. He will make the changes as he sees fit. I can't accelerate the process and I can't be someone I am not. In fact I refuse to.