The picture is not me, but it is a good representation of me. I was a tomboy and played pretty hard. This picture represents how I remember feeling for a lot of my childhood years. I have listed a short history containing some of the things that have taken place in my life. Hopefully it will help you to better understand my propensity for taking control. These are all things I have dealt with through counseling and will likely continue to deal with for the rest of my time here on earth. Though most of it is bad, hang in there with me...I think you will be surprised with what is yet to come.

MOM

• Disciplinarian
• Emotionally and physically abusive
• Extremely critical
• Used guilt and shame to drive things home
  
• Saw something in me that she did not like in herself
• I always felt she wanted me to be a boy
• Was the strongest personality in my life
• I never felt loved by her
• Have no memory of her saying she loved me
  
• Was abusive in her approach, but protected me from others
• Cancer took her away from me long before her death
• I watched her gasp for her last mouthful of air when I was 12
• I believe my life would be different had she lived
• Since forgiven and accepted her ability to love based what she knew
• There is a lot of her in me
  

DAD

• Passive
• Let mom take care of us kids
• Worked hard to support us
• Sometimes had two jobs, gone long hours
• Believed in the belt, hands on bed method
• I knew he loved me, though he was distant
• Was silly at times and fun to be with
• Broken when he lost mom
• Remarried right away
• Gave control of his live to new wife
• Had little time with me or my brothers
• Critical of my accomplishments
• Seemed very unhappy
• Was a victim of childhood sexual, physical and emotional abuse
• Died suddenly of a massive heart attack when I was 33
• No time to make things right
• His acceptance meant more to me than anything
• I have many of his traits as well as mom's
  

STEPMOM

• Married dad 1 year after mom’s death
• Showed us one thing in the beginning and another as time went on
• Much younger than my dad
• Only 13 years older than me
• Had no children
• Came into a ready made family with two teens and one pre-teen
• Never allowed us to mourn the loss of our mother
• Kept dad from spending time with us
• Would not allow us to have pictures of mom in the house
• Would not step foot into our adult homes if pictures of our mother were displayed
• Put herself before everyone else
• Jealous of dad’s relationship with his kids and with mom
• Manipulative and cold
• I learned manipulation from her
  

*Alcohol was a factor with my parents/it was always in the house and used daily

WE MOVED when the new wife came

• New school-NO friends
• Ridiculed because of my gangly stature and crooked teeth
• Wanted desperately to make friends
• Too much freedom due to parents involvement with each other
• Went where the wind blew me
• Had low self respect and low self esteem
• Felt unloved and unwanted

ABUSER three in all/and began within a year of mom’s death
1. Adult male came to where I was sleeping and molested me after babysitting his children I was 12 yrs. old. This happened several times
2. Adult Family member who was drunk came into my bed in the middle of the night after babysitting one time, 12 years old
3. Step family member paid attention to me after dad remarried, I was 13 went on for 4+ years

• Knew I was vulnerable
• Took an interest in me and listened
• Acted like he really cared about me
• Told me I was beautiful
• Treated me like an adult
• Had his way
• Went on for 4 years
• Still tried to get to me after I married
• I felt dirty, used, and guilty
• I loved his wife and their four children
• Changed my view of the world, people and myself
• I am still not recovered fully, maybe never will be

HIGH SCHOOL YEARS

• Low self esteem/poor self image
• Lost
• Confused
• Hungry for understand, acceptance and love
• Easy prey
• Encountered forced sexual relations
• Felt used, unappreciated and of little worth
• Did not no how to say no
• When I said no, they didn’t listen
• Became promiscuous
• Alcohol and marijuana became a way to have fun with friends
• I felt worse about myself when I partied
• the pattern of drinking and sexual encounters happened pretty regularly
• Guilt and shame were the backdrop of my life
  
• My best friend was a guy
• Pregnant at 17

ADULT LIFE

• Met my husband at 18
• Married at 19
• Husband adopted my illegitimate son
  
• Total of 4 children by 25
• We both brought a lot of baggage to the marriage
• Infidelity and physical abuse occurred
• Alcohol became a daily supplement
• Both of us come out of dysfunctional families with abuse in our backgrounds

FOUND JESUS

• 11 years ago
• Jesus saved us just in time
• Our entire family has been in the process of being transformed
• Just celebrated our 28^th wedding anniversary
  
• Our children are serving the Lord
• The Lord is not finished with us yet

When I moved out of my parent’s home and began a life of my own, is when I began to control every aspect of my life. Why? I think the reason is because I finally could be in control of my own life. My fear of anything new kept me from venturing outside of my comfort zone. My relationships were difficult. I didn’t know it back then, but I wanted to control every person I allowed into my life.


I had been raised without the benefit of having loving, nurturing people in my life so I had no idea how to be that way with other people. My entire life revolved around me and my needs for love and acceptance. Ray was the first man who treated me with respect and I took control of him right away in the relationship. Not because I was trying to control him, but if he was going to be in my world, he was going to have to do things my way because anything else was too scary.


To people who knew me I looked anything but afraid, but I was scared to death on the inside. It is true that people who are very controlling are usually that way out of fear. My controlling personality made me seem, together and in charge of my life and I was. The only problem was the rheum of my life did not expand beyond the extent of my ability to control. I was afraid to try anything new, trusted no one and lived behind a strong exterior when in reality I was ashamed, insecure, and very uncomfortable in new situations and with people I didn’t already know very well.


Next I will look deeper into what I think is the main reason for my limited view of God and I think I will be finished with this little series