Finally Getting to the Point

If you have been reading my blog, you know that the last few posts were a journey for me to come to terms with and better understand why my view of the Lord is inaccurate. This is my last post concerning the painful things that lead me to believe what I have about who God really is. My last post, though painful was something I needed to do for me. It helped me to see all of it at once without going into detail. The next post will be much more positive in nature and again I want to say that I am not in a bad place...I am in a place where after many years of prayer and counseling about my issues I am finally ready to deal with the effect they have had over my relationships, more to the point, my relationship with the Lord. So if you are still interested, read on.

Maybe it’s obvious, but just in case it isn’t I will explain why I believe my view of the Lord has been so undersized. I think my view of God is based on my expectations of him. From my point of reference, based on the relationships and the perceptions that shaped my life, my unconscious expectations of God do not line up with his true character.

Somehow over a period of that last 11 years I began to see the Lord in ways that I was able to accept as normal for me. This would be true in the case when I said to my pastor so many times, ‘Just slap me up side the head” or “smack me” when I am doing something I shouldn’t. When I came to my pastor with this attitude I was joking partially, but mostly I was serious. I can’t count the number of times I expressed my need for severe punishment in cases where my behavior was inappropriate. I remember saying, “When I get humbled it hurts, and I expect it to hurt, that is when I can make lasting change”.

Being put in my place in a painful way was something I could accept and understand. I needed to be slapped around (figuratively speaking) because this was the normal form of correction for me as a child. My pastor acted out of loving kindness instead of pain and punishment. I didn’t know how to react to this kind of love. My mother would handle things in abusive ways. Only she was abusive for reasons that were not necessarily wrong things I did, but more so who I was or wasn’t and my reactions to life in general. The point is I had been programmed to understand this type of discipline. In a sad way, I believe my feeling has been that I needed the same kind of correction from God.

The other way I see God is as a passive person in my life. Much like my father I feel the Lord doesn’t come in and rescue me when I need rescuing or he takes longer than he should. I accept this because it would be the norm. I’m thinking about when I told my dad and step mother that I was being sexually abused. My step mom’s reaction was refusal to believe me and my dad never responded at all. I only told them because I wanted it to stop. I thought when I brought it out into the open something would be done about it. As if I would be vindicated and protected, but they did nothing about it and to this day, my step mother feels I was lying. This is probably because the abuser who did the most damage was her sister’s husband.

I highlighted on my last post the way I saw my parents. Mom was a disciplinarian and I knew dad loved me, though he was distant. I have come to believe that this combination of mixed emotional ties is what make up the basis of my view of the Lord.

I have taken steps to rectify this inaccurate view of the Father and will write with an update in a day or two.

The picture is not me, but it is a good representation of me. I was a tomboy and played pretty hard. This picture represents how I remember feeling for a lot of my childhood years. I have listed a short history containing some of the things that have taken place in my life. Hopefully it will help you to better understand my propensity for taking control. These are all things I have dealt with through counseling and will likely continue to deal with for the rest of my time here on earth. Though most of it is bad, hang in there with me...I think you will be surprised with what is yet to come.

MOM

• Disciplinarian
• Emotionally and physically abusive
• Extremely critical
• Used guilt and shame to drive things home
  
• Saw something in me that she did not like in herself
• I always felt she wanted me to be a boy
• Was the strongest personality in my life
• I never felt loved by her
• Have no memory of her saying she loved me
  
• Was abusive in her approach, but protected me from others
• Cancer took her away from me long before her death
• I watched her gasp for her last mouthful of air when I was 12
• I believe my life would be different had she lived
• Since forgiven and accepted her ability to love based what she knew
• There is a lot of her in me
  

DAD

• Passive
• Let mom take care of us kids
• Worked hard to support us
• Sometimes had two jobs, gone long hours
• Believed in the belt, hands on bed method
• I knew he loved me, though he was distant
• Was silly at times and fun to be with
• Broken when he lost mom
• Remarried right away
• Gave control of his live to new wife
• Had little time with me or my brothers
• Critical of my accomplishments
• Seemed very unhappy
• Was a victim of childhood sexual, physical and emotional abuse
• Died suddenly of a massive heart attack when I was 33
• No time to make things right
• His acceptance meant more to me than anything
• I have many of his traits as well as mom's
  

STEPMOM

• Married dad 1 year after mom’s death
• Showed us one thing in the beginning and another as time went on
• Much younger than my dad
• Only 13 years older than me
• Had no children
• Came into a ready made family with two teens and one pre-teen
• Never allowed us to mourn the loss of our mother
• Kept dad from spending time with us
• Would not allow us to have pictures of mom in the house
• Would not step foot into our adult homes if pictures of our mother were displayed
• Put herself before everyone else
• Jealous of dad’s relationship with his kids and with mom
• Manipulative and cold
• I learned manipulation from her
  

*Alcohol was a factor with my parents/it was always in the house and used daily

WE MOVED when the new wife came

• New school-NO friends
• Ridiculed because of my gangly stature and crooked teeth
• Wanted desperately to make friends
• Too much freedom due to parents involvement with each other
• Went where the wind blew me
• Had low self respect and low self esteem
• Felt unloved and unwanted

ABUSER three in all/and began within a year of mom’s death
1. Adult male came to where I was sleeping and molested me after babysitting his children I was 12 yrs. old. This happened several times
2. Adult Family member who was drunk came into my bed in the middle of the night after babysitting one time, 12 years old
3. Step family member paid attention to me after dad remarried, I was 13 went on for 4+ years

• Knew I was vulnerable
• Took an interest in me and listened
• Acted like he really cared about me
• Told me I was beautiful
• Treated me like an adult
• Had his way
• Went on for 4 years
• Still tried to get to me after I married
• I felt dirty, used, and guilty
• I loved his wife and their four children
• Changed my view of the world, people and myself
• I am still not recovered fully, maybe never will be

HIGH SCHOOL YEARS

• Low self esteem/poor self image
• Lost
• Confused
• Hungry for understand, acceptance and love
• Easy prey
• Encountered forced sexual relations
• Felt used, unappreciated and of little worth
• Did not no how to say no
• When I said no, they didn’t listen
• Became promiscuous
• Alcohol and marijuana became a way to have fun with friends
• I felt worse about myself when I partied
• the pattern of drinking and sexual encounters happened pretty regularly
• Guilt and shame were the backdrop of my life
  
• My best friend was a guy
• Pregnant at 17

ADULT LIFE

• Met my husband at 18
• Married at 19
• Husband adopted my illegitimate son
  
• Total of 4 children by 25
• We both brought a lot of baggage to the marriage
• Infidelity and physical abuse occurred
• Alcohol became a daily supplement
• Both of us come out of dysfunctional families with abuse in our backgrounds

FOUND JESUS

• 11 years ago
• Jesus saved us just in time
• Our entire family has been in the process of being transformed
• Just celebrated our 28^th wedding anniversary
  
• Our children are serving the Lord
• The Lord is not finished with us yet

When I moved out of my parent’s home and began a life of my own, is when I began to control every aspect of my life. Why? I think the reason is because I finally could be in control of my own life. My fear of anything new kept me from venturing outside of my comfort zone. My relationships were difficult. I didn’t know it back then, but I wanted to control every person I allowed into my life.


I had been raised without the benefit of having loving, nurturing people in my life so I had no idea how to be that way with other people. My entire life revolved around me and my needs for love and acceptance. Ray was the first man who treated me with respect and I took control of him right away in the relationship. Not because I was trying to control him, but if he was going to be in my world, he was going to have to do things my way because anything else was too scary.


To people who knew me I looked anything but afraid, but I was scared to death on the inside. It is true that people who are very controlling are usually that way out of fear. My controlling personality made me seem, together and in charge of my life and I was. The only problem was the rheum of my life did not expand beyond the extent of my ability to control. I was afraid to try anything new, trusted no one and lived behind a strong exterior when in reality I was ashamed, insecure, and very uncomfortable in new situations and with people I didn’t already know very well.


Next I will look deeper into what I think is the main reason for my limited view of God and I think I will be finished with this little series

EXPAND MY VIEW LORD Part 3

I am a take charge kind of person. When I see something that needs doing I do it! When I see something that isn’t right, I fix it! When things in my life aren’t changing as quickly as I would like I usually do something to speed things up. Now—I don’t sit around thinking of ways to do this, it just kind of happens naturally; out of the natural human in me. I am weak at times and I allow my flesh to take over. This comes mostly from years of experience in doing things my own way.

My ability to deal with life in a direct and controlled manner has gotten me pretty far in some respects. On the job I do very well, whatever I am working on I usually do well, even in the church, I can do fairly well those things I put my hands and mind to. This directness and take charge attitude is not so useful however, when it comes to relationships. Dealing with people does not come naturally to me. I do need to make a conscious effort when it comes to relationships.

Kind of a running joke I have with a friend of mine is “doing the work of the Lord would be so much easier if is not for all these people”. Funny? Not really. Without people there would be no need. But the fact of the matter is the most difficult areas of my life include other people. God intended us to be in relationship with people and we are to LOVE people. This is no easy thing. I often ask the Lord why this has to be so difficult.

A couple of days ago while reading Galatians I ran across the scripture about Abraham and Sarah. (Gal. 4:21-31) God made a promise to them that they would have many children, but because it wasn’t happening fast enough, Sarah took matters into her own hands. Sarah was trying to fulfill God’s plan; BIG mistake. Under Sarah’s direction Hagar (the slave girl) had Abraham’s child Ishmael, later Sarah finally found herself pregnant with Isaac. Sarah’s fulfillment of God’s plan caused problems and people were hurt by the result, but it did not stop God’s plan from coming to fruition.

Basically I do the same thing as Sarah, whenever I choose to take control instead of wait for God’s plan to unfold naturally. I pray asking the Lord to take care of an issue, but when it seems nothing is happening I begin to reason in my own mind about what should happen. I usually argue with myself about weather or not I should go through with my plan, but before long I have found a rational reason to fulfill it. I can talk myself into almost anything if I spend enough time looking at all the angles from my own perspective.

Once I have acted on my thoughts and feelings, it doesn’t take long for me to realize what has actually happened, but then I sit in remorse and try to make things right with God and with those who may have been effected by my decision. I realize I serve a God who is merciful, loving and kind and his plan is still with me. My actions always have consequences, but the blessings of God bring me out of my wretched life into the light again and hopefully I learn from my immaturity and perhaps grow a little.

My prayer when I've taken matters into my own hands is that my mistake would not be for nothing; that I will forgive myself just as the Lord already has and I will learn something valuable in the process. The Lord’s plan still stands for my life, just as they did for Abraham and Sara. I have to believe that.

WHY this need to control? Coming up next...

EXPAND MY VIEW LORD part 2

Looking back at the choices I made over the past week brought me to the realization that I have not been listening to the Holy Spirit. I knew he spoke to my heart with a nudge on several occasions as to what to do or what not to do in certain issues. Though I was aware of these nudges, I made the choice to do things my own way instead. When I realized that I was being disobedient to God I began to questions myself as to why I would do something like that.

Here is what I came up with. For some reason the issue moved my flesh to act and make change. I felt I needed to do something to fix an issue. Why? Two reasons that I came up with were:

• because God wasn’t moving fast enough and things needed to be made right.
• My desire to make change was greater than my desire to allow God to do it his way
• 
  

It seemed that when I made a decision to follow the desires of my flesh over the desires of God, I broke that vial connection with him. Once that connection with God was broken it was as if my ability to do anything with the natural leading of the Holy Spirit was stopped as well. Okay, this is not news to me…I understand the principals behind being obedient to God how the choices I make can either bring me closer to living in his will or take me farther away from it. So the question I pose to myself is, why did I allow it to happen?

It’s pretty simple really; I let my flesh win out. The things that I did were not extremely bad things, but the fact that I would take things into my own hands when I knew it was wrong is a pretty strong case of apathy, stupidity, or immaturity; perhaps a bit of all three.

After the fact, I asked myself some very pointed questions during my time with the Lord.

1. Why did I choose not to listen to the Holy Spirit?
2. What was my motive?
3. Why did I disregard the promptings of the Holy Spirit so easily?

My answers to those questions are what made me realize that my view of God is incorrect. Suddenly I realized that my relationship with God was a mirror image of other relationships in my life. I was relating to the Lord in the same way that I relate to other people. It made sense to me when I realized this because of my perception of people being what it is. why would I see God outside of my own point of reference?

Knowing that my world view, as well as my heavenly view, is based on my experiences has brought me to the understanding that I needed to expand my view. I need to break through this bubble called my experiences with people, especially when the view that I see from where I stand is so limiting to God.

come back soon for the next part

EXPAND MY VIEW LORD

Regarding my perspective, I have been asking the Lord to show me what I need to see. The thought that comes to mind concerning the way I see the Lord is that I need to, “expand my view”.

I have been a (conscious) believer in Christ for the past 11years, but I think I may be beginning to understand something in a brand new way. I am realizing that I limit God because of my limited view of who he really is. Today I came to the conclusion that thought I have spent much time studying the word of God and I felt I knew the Lord intimately, I have very little understanding, knowledge or wisdom concerning his ways. My view of God is incorrect. The reasons for my distorted view of God are many and I suspect I will be dealing with those issues as this process unfolds.

Most often realizations can be seen as a positive in my life because they lead me to a change in my perception. The problem with that is, I'm a doer. When I see something that needs changing, I usually get right on it. Realizing that this type of response to the Lord will likely lead to gaps in my perception later, I want to allow the Lord to work instead of doing things with my limited ability and knowledge. My prayer for myself as I unbury the hidden treasure, that is God himself, is that I will accept those areas where I have been unaware. I pray my heart, mind, and spirit will be open to the voice of God and that I would allow the Holy Spirit to work within me.

For the next few days I will be posting about this new understanding about my view of God. I will share how I came to this conclusion and maybe I will even find out some things along the way that will broaden my view. Please keep me in your prayers. I ask the Lord to help me with my thoughts by giving me the "mind of Christ" I Cor. 2:16. My plan for now is to buckle my own narrow view in the backseat for a while as I allow Jesus to reveal the TRUTH to me from the driver's seat.

Jesus is my Break in the Clouds

The other morning on the way to work I noticed something about the sky. This was a day that followed several cloudy/rainy days. It was not raining however; the clouds in the sky were mostly white dotted with spots of blue sky.

This view following many days of cloudiness and months of depression made me realize something. Depression makes every day seem the same and like a cloudy day the view is dim and mostly dark. Feelings of apathy and inability to relate normally to people can make a person feel that they are living a meaningless existence, especially if that person is otherwise full of life with a heart that seeks to love and be loved by people.

Struggling with the feelings or lack of feelings that accompany depression can be like being under cloudy skies...all gray with no breaks in the clouds. It's as if you are living out your life within the confines of a barrier; like you are being kept in the little space and time with no idea when, how or if it will ever change. You can't see beyond the gray so your depression deepens. You feel tired and your eyes seem to have a film over them from the haze. Basically the weight of the clouds keeps you from rising above them and when you try to look up you see only gray. You feel trapped within a kind of bubble as you look to the east where the sun rises and you see a cloudy barrier. As your eyes scan to sky above and fall to the west, again the dome shaped barrier is there. You begin to feel that life will always be this way and your view is very inward and small.

On this particular morning I looked up and there were clouds, but here and there I could see breaks in the clouds with beautiful blue skies that seem to go on forever just on the other side. The clouds where the breaks were had a shimmering glow along the outer edges. Though the sun was covered it managed to shine through. Suddenly I realized the world is bigger...huge even! Time and space have shifted and the ability to believe that the Lord is the one in control increases. I am reminded of the mercy of God

I realized as I road along that Jesus is the break in the clouds for me. I mean when I am at my lowest moment; feeling burdened by the weight of the clouds, I can’t see anything else. I can’t see the needs of other people, my greatest efforts are used to hopefully get me through another day without hurting someone else with my words or giving up on what I know to be true in my heart. Probably the hardest part is in dealing with the fact that though they try, other people don't really understand. But then suddenly in my desperation I call on the name of the Lord. I acknowledge some very important things about myself and he shows up and he opens a place in the clouds just enough to let me see him again. Oh wait...he was always there, I think he impressed upon me that it was I that finally showed up. Jesus is my break in the clouds.