You were with me and I endured…

Again today I am noticing you Lord in the little pleasures. Taking my camera along on my walks has slowed me down a great deal as I am paying closer attention to You with in the world that surrounds me. Thank you God for this wonderful world you have put me in! Being outside, away from all the cares in the world, does something wonderful in my spirit. It is a slowing down of my physical body and my mind; a calming of sorts. Peace abounds as I notice Your hand print on all of nature. Today I walk along the path with a renewed sense of your wonder and grace. I love you Abba Father.

As I stop and sit next to the river, I feel you are holding me as if you have come and scooped me up in your loving arms. You whisper in my ear a love story that is meant just for me. With your tender touch You remind me of just how much you value my very existence. You share with me as only you can, the thoughts of Your heart concerning me. I have been reminded as of late how you have been with me through each moment of my life and on this day that signifies my birth, I feel your breath as if you are breathing new life into every fiber of my being.

These are the thoughts that run through my mind this morning (August 31, 2008):

Through my premature birth and time without the touch of my mother you were there. You were with me when I was left alone crying in that incubator. You knew I would have life long scars on both knees from rubbing my tiny legs across the sheets as I kicked my legs and cried. You were with me and I endured.

You were there in the early years when I felt neglected and alone. You stood with me when I didn’t understand the abuse of my mother. You watched as she parented out of her own childhood experiences and You were right beside me as I watched her take her last breath when I was 12 years old. You walked beside me through years of sexual abuse that seemed to immediately follow her death and up through my traumatic teen years, You looked on and still, I endured.

You were with me when I found out I was pregnant at the age of 17 and had no clue where to turn. You heard the harsh words my father spoke to me during that time and I endured. You continued to watch as I said my vows at the age of 19 knowing full well my life was going to be difficult. You cried with me when I felt misunderstood and unloved by my husband. You held my hand at the birth of each child and I continued to endure. You looked on through difficulties, abuse and alcohol issues in our younger years of marriage. You were with me when I decided I needed to make things work in my marriage and again, I endured.

You were watching me at the age of 33 as I performed CPR on my father’s lifeless body to no avail. You cried with me uncontrollably for the days, weeks, months and years that followed. You walked with me through the 3 years of depression that resulted from this blow and I endured. You saw me as I struggled during this same time with going to school full-time to get my BS in Elementary Education and I endured. You crossed the stage with me as I received my diploma after 6 years of college and without my dad present, I had endured. You were with me as I took steps to better my life and be a better person. You were present the day I cried out, “God if you are real, come into my life and change me!” You were there and I endured.

As these thoughts ran through my mind I was hit with the memory of how I felt as a child. Though often misunderstood and seemingly unlovable, inside my little heart I always had the desire to do good in my lifetime. Through all of the things that happened, I never stopped believing that my life was somehow going to count. Even with all the traumatic events in my life, I never lost the feeling in my heart that I was going to make a difference somehow.

Thank you God for the reminder that the very desire that has been in my heart since as far back as am able to remember has nothing do with my own ability, how I look, my accomplishments or my status in the church or otherwise. The desire that has always been there was Your influence on my life.

I was reminded today as the Lord spoke words of love to my heart that he is the one who put that desire in my heart and he is the one who has given me the strength to endure throughout the difficulties in my life. It is not because I am special or because I have the ability to do what I do well. I have no ability if not for him. He loved me so much that he created me with the abilities and desires of my heart.

Today I have been reminded that my life and everything in it has to be attributed to the fact that I am loved in a way that I so desperately want to understand. The person that I am and the person I was created to be come only from him. It is all God’s doing! Forgive me God for trying to own my life or for taking credit for any part of my life. Forgive me for my pride and my inability or refusal to recognize the work you have done in my life.

All those bad things that have happened to me in my life can hold me back if I dwell on them and constantly look at them from the point of view of the victim, but instead I choose to look at each one of them as a step up and I can give the Glory to God for giving me the strength I needed each time in order to endure. I can see God’s design all over the path I have taken. What helps me to gain proper perspective is the possibilities of what might have happened had he not been with me all along. Who knows where I would be. I owe Him my life!

I walked away from my time with the Lord today speaking truth over my life. You love me Lord, You say I am beautiful. You say I am lovable. You see the person you have created, not the one I perceive as damaged. You already see me as whole. You love me and say, Look at my girl Pat! She is my child, my created one; my chosen one and I love her so. I praise and thank you today Lord for allowing me to understand this from your view instead of my own.

Those Scars that I have carried with me these 48 years have new meaning today. They are visible reminders of the many fights I would endure in my lifetime. I do not see them as a negative reminder, but as a positive one. Today I am more aware than ever before of the fact that I was created to endure and for purposes that I will not understand in my lifetime. He was with me all along and with his help I will continue to endure. thank you Lord!