HE Restores the Broken Hearted Part II

Before I go any further with this story I need to say that I was not raised in a family that followed the teachings of the Bible. I believed there was a God, yet my view was very limited and realizing Jesus was someone I could actually be in relationship with was not even close to my radar screen. I was unconsciously drawn to Jesus as a child and as a teenager. I distinctly remember sitting on my bedroom floor cross legged as I sketched the likeness of Him on the cross, but due to my limited understanding and experience with who Jesus was; I was unable to get outside the perspective that He was a Bible character that I had learned about in Sunday school.

Becoming pregnant at the age of 17 was not the beginning of the difficulties I went through as a child and adolescent, but it was directly related to the many forms of abuse and neglect I incurred from early childhood up through my teen years. Those of you who follow my blog have most likely already read some of my former posts that talk about those issues.

Part II

Once the word was out about my pregnancy, people in my extended family had all sorts of advice. I was scared spit-less as I heard story after story about how my life was going to consist of changing diapers and sterilizing bottles, while I could be out partying with my friends and making a life for myself. The horror stories about the responsibilities of having a child kept that fear and panic mode close at hand.There was no doubt life as I knew it was about to be something entirely different. I was surprised to hear from some of my older family members who had gone through similar circumstances themselves. Some of them had married because of a pregnancy and they shared, with intensity, about difficulties that followed. Three of my cousins had me convinced that it would be best if not to have the baby aborted, at least put him up for adoption.

One of my cousins shared her experience with having an abortion and even offered to set up an appointment for me. She made it sound almost normal and made light of it. She said we could do it in secret and that no one would know. I must admit, the thought of erasing this pregnancy; pretending it never happened and moving on sure sounded inviting, but deep down inside I knew I would never be able to do it. The thoughts and confusion that enveloped my life were almost more than I could bare. Knowing that if I had an abortion, I would spend the rest of my life dealing with the fact that I made the decision to end a life was just too difficult. The guilt and shame from doing that would be more than my mind and emotions could handle.

Then there was the thought of adoption. If I had chosen to do that I would be spending my time right now wondering how a life turned out. My step mother wanted me to allow her to adopt my baby, but realizing the kind of step mother she was made that idea impossible for me to accept. Not to mention the idea that Andrew would have been raised as my brother instead of my son. The very thought of it turned my stomach. My step mother put so much pressure on me to give the baby to her that one day I told her that I didn't know what I was going to do yet and that I was thinking about abortion or adoption, but I had not made my mind up yet. All the while I knew what I was going to do. I just needed her to STOP pressuring me and she did stop for a while

In secret I liked the idea of bringing a new little life into the world. My feelings were growing for Andrew as he grew and moved inside my womb. This baby was someone who I could love who would love me back unconditionally. There was a part of me that was looking forward to having this little one to take care of because I knew it would be different from any relationship I had previously experienced. This would be a little life that I would love and that would need me more than anyone had needed me before. I took my responsibility to Andrew seriously and decided that I was going to be the best mother I could be alone or with someone, I was going to make a good life for my baby.

So, here I was, clueless! I mean totally clueless as to what the future would be for me and my baby, but I was determined to do whatever I needed to do in order to give him the life I felt he should have. Things around home became increasingly tense as I knew my step mother was waiting for me to tell her what I had decided to do. So I told her and my father that I planned on raising my own child. I know my father was worried about how I would handle such a huge responsibility. Heck, I hadn't even held a part time job yet. What did I know about responsibility? Dad was distant the entire pregnancy. OK that was his natural demeanor, but I'm sure he was worried he would have to support me and my baby and my step mom was not going to allow that to happen.

I really didn't know what I was going to do and felt pretty bad about myself by about the 6th month. Those thoughts about how I would support my baby and weather or not I would ever find a boyfriend who would want to be with me haunted me day and night. Was I really the total embarrassment that my father spoke of? My mind went round and round and I spent the last few months of my pregnancy in hiding for fear of what people might be thinking and saying about me. I felt that if my own father was ashamed of me, how must the rest of the world see me? This did a lot of damage to what little self esteem I had. I became withdrawn and even depressed at times and continued to go though my life without anyone to share my feelings with. I was forced to keep it all inside and no one seemed interested in how I was really feeling.

Hind sight is 20/20 they say and now looking back it is clear to me that the enemy of my soul had a strong grip on me. My diminished self worth gave rise to feelings of apathy and inability to see myself in any respectable form. For some reason I thought I was supposed to spend my life making up for this mistake I made. My feelings were mixed as I loved the little one growing inside me and at the same time resented him for the changes in my life that I could not control. I had no one to blame but myself and I did my best to come to terms with the mess I had made of my life. My self worth was pretty low to begin with which is what led to this mess. With the lack of love and understanding from my father and step mother I truly felt all alone.

There is a happy ending to this story and if you come back in a few days you might be surprised by what the Lord has done with what the enemy meant for my total destruction. Though my feelings about myself were very poor God was with me. He protected me enough to allow me to come out of what looked like a miserable existence with a little life that he would in turn use to glorify himself. Praise the Lord. Part III coming soon...