Finally Getting to the Point

If you have been reading my blog, you know that the last few posts were a journey for me to come to terms with and better understand why my view of the Lord is inaccurate. This is my last post concerning the painful things that lead me to believe what I have about who God really is. My last post, though painful was something I needed to do for me. It helped me to see all of it at once without going into detail. The next post will be much more positive in nature and again I want to say that I am not in a bad place...I am in a place where after many years of prayer and counseling about my issues I am finally ready to deal with the effect they have had over my relationships, more to the point, my relationship with the Lord. So if you are still interested, read on.

Maybe it’s obvious, but just in case it isn’t I will explain why I believe my view of the Lord has been so undersized. I think my view of God is based on my expectations of him. From my point of reference, based on the relationships and the perceptions that shaped my life, my unconscious expectations of God do not line up with his true character.

Somehow over a period of that last 11 years I began to see the Lord in ways that I was able to accept as normal for me. This would be true in the case when I said to my pastor so many times, ‘Just slap me up side the head” or “smack me” when I am doing something I shouldn’t. When I came to my pastor with this attitude I was joking partially, but mostly I was serious. I can’t count the number of times I expressed my need for severe punishment in cases where my behavior was inappropriate. I remember saying, “When I get humbled it hurts, and I expect it to hurt, that is when I can make lasting change”.

Being put in my place in a painful way was something I could accept and understand. I needed to be slapped around (figuratively speaking) because this was the normal form of correction for me as a child. My pastor acted out of loving kindness instead of pain and punishment. I didn’t know how to react to this kind of love. My mother would handle things in abusive ways. Only she was abusive for reasons that were not necessarily wrong things I did, but more so who I was or wasn’t and my reactions to life in general. The point is I had been programmed to understand this type of discipline. In a sad way, I believe my feeling has been that I needed the same kind of correction from God.

The other way I see God is as a passive person in my life. Much like my father I feel the Lord doesn’t come in and rescue me when I need rescuing or he takes longer than he should. I accept this because it would be the norm. I’m thinking about when I told my dad and step mother that I was being sexually abused. My step mom’s reaction was refusal to believe me and my dad never responded at all. I only told them because I wanted it to stop. I thought when I brought it out into the open something would be done about it. As if I would be vindicated and protected, but they did nothing about it and to this day, my step mother feels I was lying. This is probably because the abuser who did the most damage was her sister’s husband.

I highlighted on my last post the way I saw my parents. Mom was a disciplinarian and I knew dad loved me, though he was distant. I have come to believe that this combination of mixed emotional ties is what make up the basis of my view of the Lord.

I have taken steps to rectify this inaccurate view of the Father and will write with an update in a day or two.